I really like that picture - we all look happy, confident and good. Looking at Mom, it reminds me of what Phil and I were talking about the other day - how he could not ever remember Mom having people over to the house while he was growing up. Well, there were at least a few - priests mostly. I remember when I was young we used to have large celebrations with neighbors - often around religious holidays. There was a lot of socializing. Phil has heard about those times but missed out on them.

Over the years I guess there is a certain amount of natural progression to these things. Our children grow up and we begin to have less mandatory participation in things that require socializing. But somehow, somewhere along the way, Mom not only withdrew from socialing, but became morose in her aversion to it.

Looking at that picture, thinking about how she managed the complexities of raising a family of seven, always on the move, time after time adapting to new environments, at times all on her own, it makes recognizing her now all that more difficult.

It's hard to reconcile the determination with which she used to tackle life with the helpless withdrawl from life that we are seeing now. That's not to say that she has lost the determination. She has not lost the determination to be in control of her life. But that is no longer possible between her depression and her Alzheimer's. Therein lies the conflict - she is fluctuating back and forth between competency and incompetence. More and more often she is being overwhelmed by the demands of even the simplest demands of living - like remembering what outdated milk smells and tastes like.

Be it her depression, her long-standing guilt over her own mother's death, her separation from Dad, and the combination of all these and other factors, she continues to resist help and languishes in self-imposed isolation, devoid of the stimulation that would slow her regression.

I feel pretty good about Dad and the care that I have contributed to his relative well-being. I am sorry that he could not continue to live with Mom and in his own home. I feel that we made reasonable efforts to keep them together. I regret that they rejected all of the plans that we put forth that might have accomplished that. Dad has adapted better than Mom.

I don't have the same level of comfort with Mom. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I feel more affectionate towards Dad than I do Mom. I wonder why that is. Maybe it's just that she can be so difficult and unpleasant, where Dad is so rarely taxing.

I hope that I am a likeable old person.

Here is the newly formatted page! I've included all of you as authors. Please feel free to tell your kids, and if they want me to include them as authors I will. The intent is, as I said, that this serve as a newsletter of sorts. I want us to be stay connected!

Why was my last entry dated March? This is what I've been doing since then: went to northern Italy in April (spring break), specifically 1 day in Vicenza, 3 days in Venice and 1 day in Florence. It was the 3 of us, and that can be a challenge, but in retrospect it was great. Venice, finally! I loved, loved, loved it. Staying right in the city was wonderful. May started out quiet. Steve was gone during the week, coming home on the weekend for laundry and home cooking. Near the end of the month the movers came and packed us up in just one day. I was immersed in chaos. Work was my anchor. Em and I moved into a furnished apartment for the two weeks we had left, and Steve spent one more week in his apartment. Emily was handed the last ever diploma from her school that is now closed forever. She really closed a chapter in her life that day. The next week the furniture was delivered into the new house. The bedrooms were bigger than they looked, and everything fit nicely. Super great! I really feel good in this house, partly because of the open floorplan, but also the light from all the windows. Amazing what natural light does for the psyche. The village here is dead, but the scenery makes up for that. Just like blocks falling into place, last week I got the call and I'll be going back to work. Mixed feelings on that of course, but I know I'm lucky to have the money coming in again. Retirement and College. So you see, it all sounds wonderful, doesn't it? Why can't my body cooperate then, and let the picture be perfect? Next week, European doctors - stay tuned!

When our daughter was born, one of the many changes I experienced was the awareness of death. I felt death as real as her new life. I know, weird. I didn't think of death 13 years later when I totalled the car. That would be a normal reaction. No, it was the beginning of life that made me know death. But my father is dying. I know he'll be gone, but I don't feel it. Why, when I should feel that as real, don't I? I don't understand how this works. He is a part of me, so when he leaves will a part of me be gone, too? I will just keep his memory, I won't let him go. I love you Daddy.

Gave the dog his bath and poodle clip this morning. Couldn't face another painful session of me being on the floor with him in the tub, so put him in the kitchen sink! He barely fit, and much of the water ended up on the floor. My shoulders/neck have been hurting for a few weeks, and I'm still not doing any yoga. I guess I'm going for "whatever doesn't kill me, strengthens me." So the kitchen floor got washed too. He does look pretty good, but the little guy was exhausted by the time I finished. Too much excitement. Taking advantage of my spring cleaning mode, I took literally a carload of clothes to the charity box. The stuff my chunky hubby can't fit into anymore, but was hanging onto anyway. I have to give him credit for being so optimistic. But it's more than that. Some of that stuff dates back to thirty years or so. And even weirder, our daughter is just like him in that way. I have to wait for them to be asleep or out of town to clear out the stuff. It's not like they really want the stuff, they just can't give it up. I'm too tired to go a round with the nature vs. nuture debate. Anyway, why bother? It's genetic!

Let's try this...

Is it wrong to feel I need to put some of these random thoughts somewhere that can be found again, hopefully to help me when I can't remember ... what was I saying? Hmm, I don't think I have something to contribute to humanity, nor will this blog likely to provide amusement for anyone. We'll see how it develops, but right now so many ideas and people and events are accumulating in my life I need to open the window and air out some of them.