Mom - cont'd

Forgot to add that Mom is fine now! She no longer has stomach problems - and in fact could not remember that she had had any! Doctor has given her another follow-up appt but not for two weeks. We don't' yet have the results of the ultrasound. However, she looked well today - better than she has for over a week! She had also gained 5 pounds since her appt on Friday - water weight, no doubt. We had gotten her Gatorade - as suggested by the doctor - to help replace the electrolytes - vitamins and minerals - she had lost when she was vomiting.

Mom's new caregiver

Here's a quick description of how the first day went with Mom's caregiver, Petra. She got to Mom's early (at 8:45 a.m.) and since I wasn't expecting her to be there until 9 a.m., I hadn't gotten to Mom's yet. I did call her, however, and she told me she was already at Mom's but Mom would not let her in the house! Yikes!! I got over there as fast as I could, and both Petra (who had been left outdoors while Mom went back to her chair in the living room) and I entered the house. Mom immediately said she hadn't requested a caregiver, so I once again (as I had done several times since last week) explained to her why she needed a caregiver. After a good 20 minutes discussion, she finally relented but made it clear that she was angry about this turn of events. While I was showing Petra around the house, Dad called. Mom immediately told him that she was "not a happy camper" as she had been told she was totally incompetent (not true of course) and that "Babette had brought some lady into the house", etc etc. Lo and behold, Dad did not take her side! He also proceeded to explain to her why she needed help at home. Mom was very disconcerted, but she finally quieted down and became somewhat subdued. I then left the house and came back just before 1 p.m. to take Mom to her follow-up Dr's appt. Petra told me that she had become somewhat more agreeable during the morning. In any case, Petra busied herself with cleaning the house - as there is much to do! I had done some cleaning during the past few days but the house has been neglected so much that the entire house does indeed need thorough cleaning. Petra also gave her lunch and by that time, Mom had finally begun communicating with her. At the doctor's office, she asked me repeatedly if "the lady" was coming back tomorrow. She also asked repeatedly if the lady was still at her house. She is very confused - but we do believe that this is partly due to her not changing her Alzheimer patch regularly.
I found that out when I began counting them and realized she had not used enough of them during the month of July.

Tomorrow, I will once again "show up" around 9 a.m. just as Petra arrives - just in case Mom gives her a hard time about coming into the house.

By the way, I did write up an agreement for Mom, Dad, Petra, Pat and me to sign. So far, only Petra and I have signed it. I will try to get Mom and Dad's signature on Sunday when they are both together. Petra plans to be there, too, so Dad can meet her.

Will keep you posted on how it goes the rest of the week. Even though I won't be there, I'll keep in touch with Petra and she can give me a report each day. She's also keeping a journal where she is writing down the events that occur during her time with Mom.

I've sent invitations to those whose email addresses were sent to me: Deniz, Selim, Claire, Michelle, and I included Robin because altho' he may not be comfortable posting in English I'm sure he can read and might like to keep up with the rest of his family. I hope they all feel free to just say hello, and no points off for grammar or spelling mistakes, I promise!

Had my first day of work, but mostly did nothing as the Army people weren't ready to get started with the inprocessing chore. Fine by me, but makes for a long day. The physical facility is nice, they gave me a private operatory instead of one in the open bay, which I appreciate.

The plans for all the caretakers for Mom sounds good.

What a great idea this is!

Thanks, Chris, for getting this going. For me, it will be a real "gift" - as I get to share and receive thoughts and reflections about all that is happening to us as a family. Believe me, with what I've been going through this past week, having a "place" where I know I'm supported and can "vent" when I need to -all I can say is this could not have come at a better time! It will also help poor Ralph, as I sometimes take out my frustrations on him...but that's another story! LOL

Pat, I so appreciate what you shared in your post. Your perspective mirrors mine. I have resisted being fully involved in all of Mom's needs as I, too, have been "put off" by her attitude. Thank you for reminding me of the way things were with Mom. I need to remember that this is not the Mom I grew up with - and that so much of who she is now is caused by the disease she now has.

Since Thursday, I have taken on Mom's care almost around the clock. She has definitely been in her "helpless mode" - partly from the stomach problems she's having (and I tend to agree with Debbie - much of it seems to be caused by the amount of stress and anxiety she feels). Yesterday, she was in her chair sleeping (as she so often does) each time I came in to the house. The first time I came, I busied myself with doing her laundry, changing her bedsheets, general cleaning of the kitchen and bathroom, and then getting her lunch ready - and she responded very little other than to thank me. Later, I came back to prepare her for the initial "admissions visit" from the Home Heath Care nurse. She at first resisted ("Why do I need THAT?"). When I reminded her the doctor had prescribed it, she quieted down. I also let her know that the nurse who was coming was a male nurse. She gave her customary "What? A MALE nurse?" in her aghast tone of voice. I told her that there are males who are nurses. Well, guess what! She warmed up to him after a while and started joking with him. When I told her there were a lot of birds feeding on the bird seed (which had fallen from its pouch on the tree), she came out of her chair to see them. My, my --- what a change of demeanor, and in a relatively short time! The nurse was there almost two hours so by the time he left, it was around 6:30 so I made her dinner and sat with her while she ate. (by the way, she actually requested a bowl of soup with toast - she's decided she likes soup after I had fed her soup at our house after her doctor's appt on Friday). This coming week she will be dealing with a weekly nurse visit, a physical therapist twice a week, and the caregiver (Petra) who will be coming in nearly every day for four hours. Let's hope she doesn't resist too much!! Will keep everyone posted on how the week pans out...

By the way, who uploaded the photo? It's also one of my favorites...

I really like that picture - we all look happy, confident and good. Looking at Mom, it reminds me of what Phil and I were talking about the other day - how he could not ever remember Mom having people over to the house while he was growing up. Well, there were at least a few - priests mostly. I remember when I was young we used to have large celebrations with neighbors - often around religious holidays. There was a lot of socializing. Phil has heard about those times but missed out on them.

Over the years I guess there is a certain amount of natural progression to these things. Our children grow up and we begin to have less mandatory participation in things that require socializing. But somehow, somewhere along the way, Mom not only withdrew from socialing, but became morose in her aversion to it.

Looking at that picture, thinking about how she managed the complexities of raising a family of seven, always on the move, time after time adapting to new environments, at times all on her own, it makes recognizing her now all that more difficult.

It's hard to reconcile the determination with which she used to tackle life with the helpless withdrawl from life that we are seeing now. That's not to say that she has lost the determination. She has not lost the determination to be in control of her life. But that is no longer possible between her depression and her Alzheimer's. Therein lies the conflict - she is fluctuating back and forth between competency and incompetence. More and more often she is being overwhelmed by the demands of even the simplest demands of living - like remembering what outdated milk smells and tastes like.

Be it her depression, her long-standing guilt over her own mother's death, her separation from Dad, and the combination of all these and other factors, she continues to resist help and languishes in self-imposed isolation, devoid of the stimulation that would slow her regression.

I feel pretty good about Dad and the care that I have contributed to his relative well-being. I am sorry that he could not continue to live with Mom and in his own home. I feel that we made reasonable efforts to keep them together. I regret that they rejected all of the plans that we put forth that might have accomplished that. Dad has adapted better than Mom.

I don't have the same level of comfort with Mom. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I feel more affectionate towards Dad than I do Mom. I wonder why that is. Maybe it's just that she can be so difficult and unpleasant, where Dad is so rarely taxing.

I hope that I am a likeable old person.

Here is the newly formatted page! I've included all of you as authors. Please feel free to tell your kids, and if they want me to include them as authors I will. The intent is, as I said, that this serve as a newsletter of sorts. I want us to be stay connected!

Why was my last entry dated March? This is what I've been doing since then: went to northern Italy in April (spring break), specifically 1 day in Vicenza, 3 days in Venice and 1 day in Florence. It was the 3 of us, and that can be a challenge, but in retrospect it was great. Venice, finally! I loved, loved, loved it. Staying right in the city was wonderful. May started out quiet. Steve was gone during the week, coming home on the weekend for laundry and home cooking. Near the end of the month the movers came and packed us up in just one day. I was immersed in chaos. Work was my anchor. Em and I moved into a furnished apartment for the two weeks we had left, and Steve spent one more week in his apartment. Emily was handed the last ever diploma from her school that is now closed forever. She really closed a chapter in her life that day. The next week the furniture was delivered into the new house. The bedrooms were bigger than they looked, and everything fit nicely. Super great! I really feel good in this house, partly because of the open floorplan, but also the light from all the windows. Amazing what natural light does for the psyche. The village here is dead, but the scenery makes up for that. Just like blocks falling into place, last week I got the call and I'll be going back to work. Mixed feelings on that of course, but I know I'm lucky to have the money coming in again. Retirement and College. So you see, it all sounds wonderful, doesn't it? Why can't my body cooperate then, and let the picture be perfect? Next week, European doctors - stay tuned!